and, looking forward...

[gentlewolves]

I can see 2k26 not a far off. Now, she is closer than ever before, eyes brimming with a myriad of possibilities, body curled around future opportunities, and in the darkest part of her loins, heartbreak wrapped in the rotting flesh of what I will lose. I am a mere soldier before the passage of time. I cannot return, and I cannot remain unmoved, and so one must press forward to win in this battle of time. To experience so much of life that time cannot tame your memory.

Here is the truth of it. There is no lack of creativity in me, but where I fall short in is discipline and, often times and most importantly I believe, energy. Between my constant fatigue and the taxing schedule of a PhD student, I find writing more exhausting and time consuming than I can afford. But this year, I hope to change that. I hope to make time, when I can. To allow the creative part of me allotted time in my day to bloom. How imperative it is for one to make time and room for a soul to grow. Otherwise, the lack of room, the lack of challenges, allows for stagnancy.
 

Still, hope remains. Where failure has persisted, there is a thought that follows me: Perhaps this is the year. For what, you may ask. For rediscovery. For curiosity. For feeling. For dreaming. For revelation. For love. For obsession.
 

I have stated it before to several friends, but in the last three years, I have self-indulgence in creativity to be a struggle. What might the reason be? Too many eyes. Perfectionism, and being too harsh on oneself. But 2k26 is the year for letting go of that. For discovering embarrassment and exploring oneself. It is the year of becoming insufferably weird and excited and self indulgent about the things you dream up. That is the only way dreams are realized. 
 

I’ve made an entire document to realize this, which, perhaps will be a later post, but for now, I have established not resolutions, but promises. Creative promises to myself. (Promises to myself because I strongly believe that a person is the most precious entity to themself, and every promise made to one’s self is a sacred pact which must be kept. We must be individuals of our word, for if we lie to ourselves, what else do we have? Build credibility with yourself, and confidence will soon follow.)
 

To myself, I promise that I will: 

• Be patient with myself, and take time.
• Look deeper, feel completely, express thoughts bravely, and remain gentle and earnest. 
• Focus on loving the process of writing rather than the product (I realize that as a perfectionist, I'm always trying to get to the product and not enjoying the process)
• Write badly intentionally!!! (So that I don't take myself too seriously and hold myself to such a high standard that i don't have muse to finish my creative projects)
• Work on smaller fics/finish things! (If you can finish a story within 7k and get used to finishing, it will be easier to write longer form, which is what I want to do)
• I'd like to write every day, and try to finish a fic each month, even if I don't publish it. (And then, to keep myself accountable, record a monthly review here)
• Just enjoy the Journey and have fun (writing is one of the only hobbies I have for myself and I don't want to lose it to not feeling good enough)
• Less social media/focus on creation! (Migrating from Bsky to Dreamwidth/interacting with fandom through creating fanfics, moodboards (the aesthetics!!!), Pinterest boards, gifs, and webweaving)

 

Perhaps, when I am far enough removed from the carnage of 2k25, I will write a reflection of my creative year. But until then, thank you for reading, kind soul, and to you I wish all the brilliance that 2k26 holds in her bosom.