gentlewolves: (pic#18227128)
I can see 2k26 not a far off. Now, she is closer than ever before, eyes brimming with a myriad of possibilities, body curled around future opportunities, and in the darkest part of her loins, heartbreak wrapped in the rotting flesh of what I will lose. I am a mere soldier before the passage of time. I cannot return, and I cannot remain unmoved, and so one must press forward to win in this battle of time. To experience so much of life that time cannot tame your memory.

Here is the truth of it. There is no lack of creativity in me, but where I fall short in is discipline and, often times and most importantly I believe, energy. Between my constant fatigue and the taxing schedule of a PhD student, I find writing more exhausting and time consuming than I can afford. But this year, I hope to change that. I hope to make time, when I can. To allow the creative part of me allotted time in my day to bloom. How imperative it is for one to make time and room for a soul to grow. Otherwise, the lack of room, the lack of challenges, allows for stagnancy.
 
Still, hope remains. Where failure has persisted, there is a thought that follows me: Perhaps this is the year. For what, you may ask. For rediscovery. For curiosity. For feeling. For dreaming. For revelation. For love. For obsession.
 
I have stated it before to several friends, but in the last three years, I have self-indulgence in creativity to be a struggle. What might the reason be? Too many eyes. Perfectionism, and being too harsh on oneself. But 2k26 is the year for letting go of that. For discovering embarrassment and exploring oneself. It is the year of becoming insufferably weird and excited and self indulgent about the things you dream up. That is the only way dreams are realized. 
 
I’ve made an entire document to realize this, which, perhaps will be a later post, but for now, I have established not resolutions, but promises. Creative promises to myself. (Promises to myself because I strongly believe that a person is the most precious entity to themself, and every promise made to one’s self is a sacred pact which must be kept. We must be individuals of our word, for if we lie to ourselves, what else do we have? Build credibility with yourself, and confidence will soon follow.)
 
To myself, I promise that I will: 
  • Be patient with myself, and take time.
  • Look deeper, feel completely, express thoughts bravely, and remain gentle and earnest. 
  • Focus on loving the process of writing rather than the product (I realize that as a perfectionist, I'm always trying to get to the product and not enjoying the process)
  • Write badly intentionally!!! (So that I don't take myself too seriously and hold myself to such a high standard that i don't have muse to finish my creative projects)
  • Work on smaller fics/finish things! (If you can finish a story within 7k and get used to finishing, it will be easier to write longer form, which is what I want to do)
  • I'd like to write every day, and try to finish a fic each month, even if I don't publish it. (And then, to keep myself accountable, record a monthly review here)
  • Just enjoy the Journey and have fun (writing is one of the only hobbies I have for myself and I don't want to lose it to not feeling good enough)
  • Less social media/focus on creation! (Migrating from Bsky to Dreamwidth/interacting with fandom through creating fanfics, moodboards (the aesthetics!!!), Pinterest boards, gifs, and webweaving)
 
Perhaps, when I am far enough removed from the carnage of 2k25, I will write a reflection of my creative year. But until then, thank you for reading, kind soul, and to you I wish all the brilliance that 2k26 holds in her bosom.
gentlewolves: (pic#18227658)
 With season 4 of HBO's Industry around the corner, I've been thinking about why I adore the series as I do. At first, you may look at the series that I enjoy most (The Bear, The Pitt, Luther, Person of Interest) and settle on the common thread that it must be high stake workplace dramas, to which, I would not say you are wrong. Somewhat misguided, perhaps.


The aspect I find most compelling about any show is the interpersonal relationships and dramas that are tightly woven into the story. That are the driving force, really. But specifically, female interpersonal relationships fascinate me most, whether between colleague, friend, or family member.


And now, back to Industry. On their own, Harper and Yasmin are stand out characters for me. The dynamics between them however, is what really take the cake. The jealousy and love and hatred and understanding so deeply engrained in their relationship continues to pull me in, just as it does them.

Harper, unrepentantly self-centered and ambitious, has never had a second thought for betraying and stepping on anyone who gets in her way. Yasmin, however, while she's been given everything, is trying to become someone independent of her father. Her relationship with her father has made her very male centered, in that she wants to be desired by them, and use that desire to humiliate and dominate them. With women, however, it is different. Yasmin has a trust and desire to be recognized by women that drives her relationships,  and where she is shrewd with men, she never seems to be as much with women.
She left Rob because she could not give up her life for him, though he loved her.

And though Harper hurt her endlessly, Yasmin cannot stay away. Yes and Harper are codependent in a way that very much reminds me of Lila and Lenú from Elena Ferrante's "My Brilliant Friend". Their jealousy of one another pushes them, and yet no one else understands the other like that do.

One could say that Eric understands Harper, but Eric looks at Harper and sees himself, something he loves. And in his tendency towards narcissism he cannot see Harper's weaknesses when they are his own. He is perfect and blindsided. Yasmin is not. She knows who Harper is, has seen her true face with all those teeth, and has still defended her, bared her neck.

And I think that in some way, Yasmin wants to become Harper. To weild the same strength and self-assurance Harper does. But that has not come without cost for Harper. Yasmin is weak because she cannot make a life for herself outside the rules of society she knows, the way money talks and people watch. She's used to always having something to lose that when she does it drives her insane and she cannot abide it. She cannot live without the creature comforts she's been raised on and most of all she wants power, significance. Something Harper gets, not by her association with the men in her life, as Yasmin does, but by her wit and teeth.

I don't know, I just find them neat, and cannot wait to have them back on my screen once more. Nikki Beach.

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