thoughts on writing: the why.

It is the purpose of any texture of my creativity–but here we will focus on writing–to take the world into the cradle of my mind's eye, and gaze at it until I decipher all its secrets and discern all its intricacies. In looking at everything a second time, holding every piece closer to the eye of study and therefore the heart, time stills for me to unearth life’s hidden languages and find meaning in those depths.

Crafting stories that are introspective and focused on interpersonal relationships are to me, like Odysseus' sirens of ancient myth. They call to me. Who can truly know the heart? No one, but that is all the more reason to explore humanity and my own self, through the fictitious motivations of characters I know and hold dear. And my medium of exploration, I have chosen to be Mel Medarda—her relationship with her family, the Medardas, her country of Noxus, love and power and mortality—every work a deep dive into her character.

 

As for the themes I strive to explore through her, there are many.

The way in which I desire to do so is, of course, mainly introspective character studies, heavy in melancholy & bittersweetness. Some of them may be non-linear, misty with hazy narrative, and ephemeral in nature. And there will be the heavy narrative, that hits the heart like a stone fashioned without hands. I imagine the latter will be more long-form in which I can collect many themes.

These stories will be an exploration in intimacy between characters, intense emotionally charged dynamics—the most intense & secret kind that double as a deep relationship. The manner of relationships that will never leave one untouched by its all-consuming intensity, whether for better or worse. And on the way, she and those entwined with her, will experience angst, tortuous yearning, consuming desire, relentless devotion, obsession, codependency, or reckless loyalty, prohibited lust, and social taboo.

 

Now, to discuss the character. I've rather become adept at hearing Mel's voice in the confines of my head, understanding the depth and nuance of her motivation based on avid research of her lore. To know her and capture her as truthful as a mirror does a reflection, one must first grasp the concretes (unchangeable aspects of her character), as well as Mel's foundational wounds, which in turn, act as the motivation behind her actions. In doing so, we can more truthfully navigate her internal conflict. As a disclaimer, this is solely internally/emotionally/personality focused. A dear mutual on Tumblr has very lovingly crafted a field guide for Mel's physical habits and ticks. Now, on to my discretion of Mel's psyche.

 

Concretes:

I find that many of Mel's concrete traits are things reflected within myself, or things I strive to cultivate within myself. Which, I believe, explains why I am so drawn to her (I do not boast a strong relationship with my family, with no desire to rectify this, really). While I do not insert myself into her—so that I become her in canon—it is like a person to find things that can commiserate and bond with a character over similarity to themselves.

This could be described as narcissism, but really, I believe we as humans are always searching for the familiar within the new. A reflection of ourselves within canon, even if canon was not written with us in mind. Though, sometimes characters do exist, solely to represent groups a majority or minority of fans might find themselves part of. And so, the fans latch on to this being they believe has been crafted just for them, and how long they remain emotionally tethered to it, often decides the lifetime of the fandom.

 

One of Mel’s concretes is that she is a diplomat, and well-versed in politics, mostly because she is so very good at reading people. She possesses intentional grace and practices elegant poise; she is never in a rush to so anything. Her grace is almost lazy, seemingly natural, and she is very good at acting as though she remains unbothered.
 

She is a woman of many emotional walls, and while she takes risks, she is not reckless, nor does she trust easily. She is a dreamer as well, an idealist at heart, who believes there is a better way. Coming from Noxus she has been exposed to so much bloodshed, that while she does not outwardly react by flinching, she hates it deeply. One of MY concretes for her is that she is possessive of those she holds dear.

Foundational wounds:

On Mel’s foundational wounds and the resulting weaknesses of these wounds is this:

Firstly, Ambessa taught her that love was conditional and very much transactional, that favor, once bestowed, could be easily taken away and so I think Mel learned to use it as a weapon, or understood it as such, so she was always trying to prove herself and measure up, to be who people wanted and needed her to be.
From this stems the following:

• fear of abandonment
• fear of inadequacy
• mommy issues
• PTSD and depression (the constant reliving of her past in nightmares)
• identity crisis, stemming from the uncertainty of her sire.
• trauma (from Azizi dying in front of her and Ambessa beheading a girl her age in front of her)
• self-esteem issues
• survivor's guilt (guilt at being the last of her family, and her inability to save those in the council room)
• people pleaser
• her view now, that her blood is tainted, because every death in her life can in some way be traced back to Leblanc, who wanted her for her magic, something she did not even know she had.
• the thought that if her mother had given Mel over to Leblanc, those she love would still be alive, even if she was broken.
• and then, two things she must face in every universe: (1) the reality of her family’s involvement in war crimes and how she might atone, and (2) her mother's dishonesty and affair (she might feel very strongly about lying, about ever being the other woman)

These are themes that will be reoccurring in my works this year in my exploration of Mel's psyche. After all, one begins a story with a flaw, and the over the course of the story, the character should confront this flaw/theme, and in doing so, either learn and become better, or become unsalvageable worse. More of my thoughts on writing to come.